Thursday, 8 December 2011

Dog Rules For

Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
Don't pee on the tree...
Don't drink the water in the container that holds the tree...
Mind your tail when you are near the tree...
If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open...
And don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans.
Don't eat off the buffet table.
Beg for goodies subtly.
Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better.
Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
unless you can get away with it...

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: 
Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM !!!


On December 8th 2011, a hurricane of biblical strength blasted across North and Central Scotland and victims could be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: “Ah wiz pure ****tin’ masel big man so a wiz"

The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside Glasgow’s Modern Art Gallery.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Scotland.
* One resident, Pocahontis McGlinchy, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “Ah wiz like ‘Whit’s that? Ah,canny hear ma choonz innat man. Wee Beyonce came running into my bedroom pure howlin so she wiz. My youngest two, Brooklyn an Blackpool slept through it. I was still pure rattlin when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:
- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
- Mutty Pies and Buckfast
- Hauf Pizza Suppers and Buckfast
- Mars Bars and Buckfast
- Kebabs and Buckfast
- Haggis Suppers and Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

Please give generously

With apologies to anyone from Coatbridge.