URGENT EMERGENCY NOTICE
On December 8th 2011, a hurricane of biblical strength blasted across North and Central Scotland and victims could be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: “Ah wiz pure ****tin’ masel big man so a wiz"
The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Spanish costas were damaged.
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside Glasgow’s Modern Art Gallery.
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Scotland.
* One resident, Pocahontis McGlinchy, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “Ah wiz like ‘Whit’s that? Ah,canny hear ma choonz innat man. Wee Beyonce came running into my bedroom pure howlin so she wiz. My youngest two, Brooklyn an Blackpool slept through it. I was still pure rattlin when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”
* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.
* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:
- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains
Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
- Mutty Pies and Buckfast
- Hauf Pizza Suppers and Buckfast
- Mars Bars and Buckfast
- Kebabs and Buckfast
- Haggis Suppers and Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast
* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.
* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
Please give generously
With apologies to anyone from Coatbridge.